What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 03:46
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Aut explicabo sapiente quis consequuntur fuga consectetur fugit.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But, we were locked up after school.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She loved him until the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What did i know ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.